Just saw a spider. It was sleeping. I crawled into its mouth.

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Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*


“911 what’s your em-”


“slow down sir”


“sir I’m gonna need you t-”



I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.


I wonder why the ingredients on a snickers wrapper says “May contain almonds.” What, is the guy who drops in the almonds a slacker?


Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.


I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want


I’m gonna cook tons of bacon, crush it up and sell it for extra money to support my family.

Bacon Bad


Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want

Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]


I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.