Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Just saw a spider. It was sleeping. I crawled into its mouth.
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“911 what’s your em-”
“slow down sir”
IN THE GORGE
“sir I’m gonna need you t-”
SIMBAS DOWN THERE
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
I wonder why the ingredients on a snickers wrapper says “May contain almonds.” What, is the guy who drops in the almonds a slacker?
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
I’m gonna cook tons of bacon, crush it up and sell it for extra money to support my family.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.