@BillMc7

Just saw a spider. It was sleeping. I crawled into its mouth.

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@lovemydogduck

Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*

@trilldrone

“911 what’s your em-”

STAMPEDE

“slow down sir”

IN THE GORGE

“sir I’m gonna need you t-”

SIMBAS DOWN THERE

@EmissaryKerry

I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.

@ourvoyagemusic

I wonder why the ingredients on a snickers wrapper says “May contain almonds.” What, is the guy who drops in the almonds a slacker?

@DarkerWillow

Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.

@DBMaxP

I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want

@superdadatron

I’m gonna cook tons of bacon, crush it up and sell it for extra money to support my family.

Bacon Bad

@crocodilethumbs

Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want

Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]

@MehrangizC

I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.