If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
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Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
A closed mouth keeps it’s teeth.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
SO MUCH BLOOD!
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
-It’s raining men.
My friend is so stupid she thought Alabama is a city. Don’t worry, I informed her Alabama is the president.