Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
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why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.