@VibesBummer

Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.

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@Whatevah_Amy

If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.

@mrtiredeyes

Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here

@QwertyJones3

Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.

Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???

@pauleggleston

I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.

I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.

@carlyken

I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant

@Maxine12339

If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.

@TheAndrewNadeau

HIM: And a trillion dollars.

GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.

HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.

GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?

HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.

GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.

@Iwriteforcats

THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat

-It’s raining men.

@the_anastasia

My friend is so stupid she thought Alabama is a city. Don’t worry, I informed her Alabama is the president.