Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
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WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Dance like you’re not the father
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.