@robyn_vo

Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.

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@adult_mom

my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices

@mumbletoes

[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No

@birbigs

All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.

@turtledumplin

A zombie apocalypse will be the only time you’ll hear me say ‘please don’t eat me’

……aaaand send

@Diversion50

The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.

His funeral will take plac

@ediblemousefeet

bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave

me: why

bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline

@DothTheDoth

I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.