Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.

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WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her


My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu


My fighting style is best known as grabbing the last slice of pizza and running away.


Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”

Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”


[watching Chef Ramsay berate yet another dolt]

Me: *peeling a banana like a potato* what audacity believing they belonged in a kitchen


ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.


I don’t call it “laziness.” I call it “selective participation.”


The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.


Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.


me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?

her: wedding attire?

me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man