Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
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I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Writing, She Murdered.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.