Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
You Might Also Like
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
No regrets in 2018