are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
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My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”