just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
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My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
BETRAYAL
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
what’s your favorite christmas song about punching a cough drop? mine’s deck the halls
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.