Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
You Might Also Like
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]