Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
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Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?