Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
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*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.