Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
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They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: Street magic
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
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