Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
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A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Maybe if I answer the door naked the pizza delivery guy won’t realize I paid with Monopoly money.
Octopus 1:” Woah. There’s an arm just swimming by itself.”
Octopus 2:” that’s an eel you idiot.”
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
“No Karen I don’t want to see pics of your ugly kids & stupid cats” or as I usually say: “Awww how cute”