Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
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“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…