@Musings_of_wine

Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.

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@pmann555

They say it’s not the destination, it’s the journey………Except when you’re heading to the bathroom with diarrhea…

@BillArrundale

Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.

@DanMentos

Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans

@patnspankme

One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.

@hobo_hands

Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.

@halvewit

I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.

@AbbieEvansXO

Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]

Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin

@ComradTwitty

My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.

@YUCKYBOT

I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”

@junejuly12

Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing