@Musings_of_wine

Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.

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@ArfMeasures

Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless

Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go

Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit

@Awesomemom10

Maybe if I answer the door naked the pizza delivery guy won’t realize I paid with Monopoly money.

@d_duhwit

Octopus 1:” Woah. There’s an arm just swimming by itself.”
Octopus 2:” that’s an eel you idiot.”

@MauriceBlitz

I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.

@RightHandVAN

How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.

@skittle624

My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.

@OctopusCaveman

My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.

@dxblarssonENG

“No Karen I don’t want to see pics of your ugly kids & stupid cats” or as I usually say: “Awww how cute”