Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.

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Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.


*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”

*never speaks to you again *


I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.


“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”

-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.


If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now



“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”


My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.


On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.


I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of


Twitter is the government’s elaborate plan to keep us all off the streets