Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
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Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Those are good neighbors.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Look at this
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
channeling her this year
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits