My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
You Might Also Like
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
“Wait, let me explain..”
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real