Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
You Might Also Like
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
do horses think humans are hats
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
OMG 🤣🤣
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba