Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
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[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
A short story about romance.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Just how popey was the pope today?
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up