Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
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I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.