Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
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Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.