Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
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Encore…
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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.
.
.
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Squash
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.