just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
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Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.