I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
You Might Also Like
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
sin harder.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.