It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
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Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors