Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
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[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.