Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
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Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
*pronounces fake like saké*
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.