My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
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I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
My friend wanted to cheer me up today so she’s taking me to a painting class to paint Christmas gnomes.
And now I’m more sad because I have to find a new friend.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.