@BeingDBEAST

Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!

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@KyleMcDowell86

My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.

@ADDiane

I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.

@Marlebean

I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.

@Divergentmama

My friend wanted to cheer me up today so she’s taking me to a painting class to paint Christmas gnomes.

And now I’m more sad because I have to find a new friend.

@ThugRaccoons

Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?

Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.

@AnniemuMary

My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.

@Mom_Overboard

me: wow you must be pretty hoarse

dracula: why would I be hoarse

me: from all that coffin lmao

@jordan_stratton

*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*

ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.

@Swishergirl24

I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.