Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
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She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”