Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
You Might Also Like
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.