Just saw you on the beach and think you might look better in something that covers you a bit more. Like your car.

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Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?

Husband: Yes. We had more money.


What if global warming *is* a hoax and we clean up our air and oceans, create millions of jobs, and become energy independent for nothing?


[dinner time]

me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?

kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make


boys need to work on keeping their Instagram up to date with good pics. I can’t show my mom some pic of a fish you caught 120 weeks ago


I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”


“Police! Open up!” “No, you’re gonna yell at me”


I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…

For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…


COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no


[in bed]

me: was that thunder?

wife: i didn’t hear anything

dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”