Just saw you on the beach and think you might look better in something that covers you a bit more. Like your car.

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“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon


Cat 911: What’s your emergency

Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish

Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it


Cat 911:

Cat: Haha hahaha

Cat 911: hahahha

Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter


My wife suffers from chronic, debilitating headaches.

Anyway, enough about her…

…back to drum practice.



What if you could clap with your feet?


My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.


Women say they like a man in uniform but I’ve been wearing this naughty nurse outfit all day and not a single woman has approached me yet 🙁


Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby


One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.


He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?

She: Roger

He: Does he bite?

She: No

He: How does he eat then?