“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Just saw you on the beach and think you might look better in something that covers you a bit more. Like your car.
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Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
My wife suffers from chronic, debilitating headaches.
Anyway, enough about her…
…back to drum practice.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Women say they like a man in uniform but I’ve been wearing this naughty nurse outfit all day and not a single woman has approached me yet 🙁
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
He: Does he bite?
He: How does he eat then?