@GaryJanetti

Just saw you on the beach and think you might look better in something that covers you a bit more. Like your car.

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@yenniwhite

Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?

Husband: Yes. We had more money.

@samknight1

What if global warming *is* a hoax and we clean up our air and oceans, create millions of jobs, and become energy independent for nothing?

@aotakeo

[dinner time]

me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?

kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make

@everygirI

boys need to work on keeping their Instagram up to date with good pics. I can’t show my mom some pic of a fish you caught 120 weeks ago

@bridger_w

I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”

@LifeAsBros

“Police! Open up!” “No, you’re gonna yell at me”

@WilliamRodgers

I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…

For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…

@BlindChow

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no

@Ygrene

[in bed]

me: was that thunder?

wife: i didn’t hear anything

dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”