why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
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Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
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