Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
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Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Brother?
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Breaking news:
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
My love language is deader than Latin
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind