Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
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New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Dammit Chief not again
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
ibopfufen
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle