@Ivsy01

Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.

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@jaboukie

if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight

@partlyfunny

I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.

@slimmy_shady

I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.

@leannuh

“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.

That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.

@jwoodham

Forrest Gump ran for 3 years, 2 months, and 14 days, which is approximately 3 years, 2 months, and 14 days longer than I’ve ever run.

@carltonhimself

“You’re sure that’s the right word?”

“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”

“Print it.”

@WiseguyPictures

“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance

@GrantTanaka

wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together

@hyperblastchic

Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.

*sets phone on fire*

@iwearaonesie

wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?