Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
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I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?