Just shaved my beard and I feel kinda naked without it. I’m also not wearing any pants but I’m pretty sure its the beard thing.

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If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July


40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant


WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.


Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.


People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic


Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!


Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?

Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.


“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body


*shows buyers around my home*

This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really


The referee has thrown a yellow flag. A red flag, a green, an orange, a blue. I’m now being told a magician has run on the field.