Just shaved my beard and I feel kinda naked without it. I’m also not wearing any pants but I’m pretty sure its the beard thing.

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[road trip]

ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat

FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place

ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time


me getting out of time machine i did it

wife did what

me i killed the guy who invented punctuation


What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.

What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.


I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.


Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…


I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular


Biden: So here’s the plan, I’ll tackle him and you go in for the knockout

Obama: Joe please.

Biden: too far? Okay what about-



I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.

Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.


Me: I’m going for a walk

Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?

Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk


The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.