@JusticeBeever

Just shaved my beard and I feel kinda naked without it. I’m also not wearing any pants but I’m pretty sure its the beard thing.

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@ElizaBayne

If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July

@lazerdoov

40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant

@UncleDuke1969

WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.

@TheRealPalMal

Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.

@ramblinma

People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic

@curlycomedy

Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!

@0point5twins

Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?

Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.

@WilliamAder

“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body

@BruceForce

*shows buyers around my home*

This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really

@EddieHarris216

Announcer:
The referee has thrown a yellow flag. A red flag, a green, an orange, a blue. I’m now being told a magician has run on the field.