ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Just shaved my beard and I feel kinda naked without it. I’m also not wearing any pants but I’m pretty sure its the beard thing.
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me getting out of time machine i did it
wife did what
me i killed the guy who invented punctuation
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.
What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Biden: So here’s the plan, I’ll tackle him and you go in for the knockout
Obama: Joe please.
Biden: too far? Okay what about-
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.