Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
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90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China