Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
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[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
A great tip. #CakeRex
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
🤭😂
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.