Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
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[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?