Just so funny
You Might Also Like
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
This is hilarious….
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!