Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
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She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison