@gobmentcheese: Just so you know, anytime I've said, 'duly noted,' I ain't noting shit.
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@actualhuman01: her: you seem really upset, what's up? me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
@idigcrazychics: You can't boss me around until you're older than the whiskey I drink. -subtweet to my GF
@timdonakowski: When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
@tacos_y_cerveza: CW: Can I ask you something? Me: Don't talk to me until I've had coffee. CW: But you don't drink coffee. Me: *smiles and continues to work