Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
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Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
j o i m p
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
My blood type is coffee.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this