Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
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I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
If only.