Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
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Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
when dads have a rap battle
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.