@BlackCatBettie

“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.

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@MarfSalvador

Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]

@bridger_w

I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree

@KylePlantEmoji

If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs

@SteveKoehler22

I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :

@prufrockluvsong

houseguest: is this a pull out couch

me: no we kind of just hope for the best

@EndhooS

[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!

@UncleDuke1969

When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…

“What would Jesus do?”

Then, I remember how things turned out for him…

And, flip a coin.

@psybermonkey

[Back To the Future, 2018]

Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??

Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*