Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
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Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Probably my best painting.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.