Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
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In my opinion – until they add extra fries, a martini & a joint – they have no business calling it a Happy Meal
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Does anyone know the cheat code to set life to easy mode?
Parts of a worm: