Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
You Might Also Like
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!