Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.

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Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”


In my opinion – until they add extra fries, a martini & a joint – they have no business calling it a Happy Meal


Dodgeball in gym class…

because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.


Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.


[First day as a teacher]

Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.


Student: May I use the restroom?

Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit


Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.


Everything was great until I opened my mouth.

– An autobiography