Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
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Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
😎 🍻
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG