*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
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lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.