A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
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When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Does your wife know you’re single?
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Happy Friday
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*