friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
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Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.