Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
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I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.